love terrifies me

Hello everyone and welcome to my thoughts! Lately, so much has been on my mind, and so much has happened, that I really haven’t had time to sit and collect my thoughts.

recently, I’ve re-entered the dating world

It seems like before anything serious can come out of it, I push people away. Well, more like, I RUN away. Everything is fine and comfortable until he mentions the single word, “relationship”.

Before, I was fine with a relationship. I was fine with finding a companion that I can be comfortable with and to talk and relate with. Someone who has similar values and goals, but has their priorities straight as well. I know no one is perfect, and I never expect them to be, but what scares me is giving up the independence I have worked so hard to achieve. I have been through some pretty damaging relationships, and I have broken down walls for people, who in return, only broke me. I lost trust and I lost faith, saying that every person I became involved with would eventually grow tired of me and find some way to push me out or just walk away and leave me. Either way, the pain hurt just the same.

After going through the constant cycle of being used and mistreated by depending on someone else, I made a promise to myself that I would learn to treat myself right and to have self-love and confidence before I ever thought about letting someone else in. It took awhile, but that independence I had once lost was starting to re-surface again. I found ways to occupy my time by becoming a better me, and discovering parts of myself I never even knew existed. Throughout this time, I realized I didn’t need someone to be happy, and I learned how to cope with being alone until it became so comfortable to me, that now I don’t even know how to rely upon or convert time into a relationship.

I’m a determined and stubborn person. I work my ass off, and if there is something I have a passion for I am determined to go after it and follow it. I’ve never been a girl who dreamed of a fairy-tale wedding or finding her soulmate. I’ve thought about kids, but never a husband. I never wanted to be a damsel in distress but a Queen on her throne who is just fine ruling her kingdom on her own. Growing up, I was raised by a single mother, who worked her ass off to make sure I had everything I needed. She was my role-model and still is to this day. I was sculpted my whole life to be this way, but I still ask myself if I will ever find someone who will be by my side but still respect my independence. Will I ever have a King who keeps me as his companion and raises me up to my highest abilities and still sees me as his equal?

i don’t want to be cared for, but yet i want to be loved.

I don’t want to have to drag someone around on a leash but walk with someone in unison. The dating phase is so important to me, and time and patience means so much. Rushing into a relationship scares me because I can’t help but wonder what he wants from me. Does he want what I want? Or does he want a girl he can wear on his arm? These days with social media, the dating world has expanded. There are so many different levels and types of “relationships”, that can all mean something entirely different.

My biggest struggle has been choosing the types of guys I date. I’ve always been labeled as a “fixer” because I want to fix everything and everyone. I seem to attract guys who have recently been heartbroken and are looking for someone to keep them company, but not for long. They enjoy my presence because they feel as if I can help repair their heart somehow so that they can be ready to find their true significant other. This usually ends with me being lead on, and cheated on, which is just another scar added to my already broken heart.

Every day I see my friends happily in love with someone who “gets them”, and supports them in everything they endure. They respect their space, and they understand them. This is all I want for them. More than anything else, I want to see the ones I love, happy.

I have let go of people I absolutely adore, because they have found their true happiness; who am I to take that away from them? Being single and in the dating world, you really do learn a lot about who you are, and what you want out of someone you want to spend your life with. You learn about your self-worth and how valuable you are and how you deserve to be treated.

Everyone experiences heartbreak in some way or another; some ways worse than others, some MORE than others (like me, for example).

i have learned to take each one as a lesson, instead of a loss

I know I will spend a lot of time sorting through some awful dates and situations, but that only means that when I do find the right one for me, I will appreciate them so much more.

You never know what turns life will take, and who knows, maybe the next time I update this blog, I will have found that missing piece. Until then, I’ll just keep on keepin’ on.

Published in featured, memoirs
1 Comment
  1. TK Dennis 3 months ago

    Thanks so much for sharing this Montana. I totally get where you’re at with all that. The dating scene can so be tough, especially when you’re just back on the scene.

    Stay strong. Never settle. Keep on keepin’ on. 🙂

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