Long distance, sigh, need I say more? I was born in another country than the one I currently live in, so for as long as I can remember long distance relationships and friendships have been such a big part of my life. Whether it was my immediate family, the friends that I have known since childhood, or the biggest pieces of my heart; maintaining these relationships, despite the distance, has been a part of my life for far too long. It isn’t a happy reality of my life, but it is one that I accept. However, I have noticed since I graduated university I am not handling this reality as well as I hoped I would.
I think I’ve hit my threshold.
The straw that broke my heart.
When will things be different?
The other night I hugged my pillow to my chest as tears gently left my eyes. I was excited about something, but there was no one to share it with. One of my best friends lives about two hours away, whilst the others live in my home country (Bermuda). Wherever in the world they are, right now they’re not with me. Lately, I feel like the three words that have left my mouth most are “I miss you.” Each time this phrase is spoken I just feel vulnerable, naked, and raw. Something about admitting this to someone just makes me feel weak; but I know that’s not true. It simply makes me feel human, and that is something I’ve always struggled with. Words are one of those things that can have different meanings to the speaker and the audience that receives it. So, here’s what I mean when I say I miss you.
Your voice, that laugh.
The way that you smell.
The way you listen to me, never judging me for the ridiculous things I think or feel.
I miss you: your entirety, mind, body, and soul.
I miss how safe I feel when I’m around you. Whether it’s the strength of your arms when I’m in your embrace, or knowing that you’ll always be a safe place for me to fall. You’ve always had a way of making me feel safe when I was in your arms. Whether it is the outside world, my own demons or the insecurities that threaten to bring me to my knees, your embrace is where I go when I need to feel safe. Or, maybe I am trying something new and putting myself out there. Maybe I’m embarrassed that I failed. Sometimes I just need to lay my head into your shoulder and know that I’m not the failure that I sometimes think I am. I miss this safety.
You have the gentlest timbre, yet your laugh has a richness that could fill up an empty football stadium. I know sometimes I put my hand over your mouth, but the truth is, that laugh drowns out so much pain in my life. It energizes my soul in a way I could never truly explain. Like the battery in a car or the gas in the tank, hearing your laugh rejuvenates my soul and gives me the strength to conquer another day. With that sound, I know I’m good to go another one hundred thousand miles.
Now a smell, this is one of those powerful aspects that triggers a memory, an event, a moment. Whether it be a perfume, a cologne or a particular scent, if I catch that unexpectedly, I am instantly transported to a moment in time shared with you. To me, it’s as close as humans will ever get to a time machine. I could be going about my day and in that instant, I feel like I’m right back with you. For a moment, it’s comforting, but in the next it is devastating. It is a reminder that you’re not as physically or geographically close as I need you to be.
Telling someone I miss them is as difficult as saying I love you. Mostly because, well, I don’t like the possibility of being that vulnerable. Does anyone? I have always been an individual that was more comfortable with written word than spoken, so, I wrote this hoping that my loved ones understand what I mean when I say that I miss them.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.Published in