Recently I was involved in a situation where I was counseling someone who was in a really self-destructing relationship centered around toxic stuff.
After speaking with this person several different times, I realized that almost nothing I was saying was truly being “heard” in any regard. The reason she couldn’t “hear me” is simple, it’s because people do exactly what they want to do.
She still wanted that relationship, even though she said she didn’t. She wanted it more than she didn’t want it.
people do what they want
Think about all the times you’ve asked for advice, claiming you didn’t know what to do, but in your heart, you truly knew what you were going to do, even if it was just a whisper that couldn’t get out of your mind.
How many jobs have you quit or how many relationships have you stayed in, despite the the fact that everyone was giving you advice to the contrary, you still did your own thing. Because when you pull back all the “contemplation” and “counseling” and “advice you’ve sought”, right there, dead center is you doing what you want.
Even sometimes when you wish that maybe you were doing something else, if you’re not actually doing something else, no matter the reason, your laziness or your dislike of confrontation, at that moment, you are still doing what you want, because you actually want to be lazy more than change.
people do not want to hear this
I feel like this is a message people don’t want to hear because this thought process would cause you to own a lot of things in your life that you might not want to own.
I personally love to blame people, cause then I’m still perfect, and all the things I dislike are conveniently “out of my control”. But when you’re alone in your car and it’s you, your thoughts and God, and you’re really honest with yourself, most people that are not abusively or medically in a situation, are making choices that lead them to exactly where they are.
You might not like that you’re overweight, but you like to eat more than you like to have self-control or exercise, so you are doing what you want.
You might not like your underpaying job, but you aren’t busting your butt to find a new one, or working your way into a different one, so by being “content” to not do something different, you are still doing what you want.
You want to be content more than you want to change.
start taking credit for your life
How much easier is it to have a “little devil” sitting on your shoulder to blame when your life is a mess, when you’ve hurt the people around you, or when the fruit your life is producing is bad.
I’m not saying there’s no such thing as temptation because there is, but there’s only one person in your life making decisions, and that’s you. Like I said above, unless you’re abusively or medically bound by something, and that’s NOT most people, then start taking credit for your life.
I said taking credit, instead of taking the blame, because it implies something good. If you are owning who you are, the bad and good will fall to you. But if you’re living your life to produce good things, you will most likely produce good things.
the heart does what it wants
The heart is wild and untamed and does what it wants. Sometimes things people disagree with, sometimes things you disagree with, but your actions follow your heart.
So, if you want a different result, then you have to do a different action, if you want a different action, then you might need a “change of heart”.
so, what do you do? how do you take credit for the life you’re living?
1) write down the things you like and dislike about your life
If you’re feeling extra lazy, just text it to yourself, no one is too lazy to text. This step allows you to take inventory and be honest about the state of affairs.
2) once you write down the things you don’t like about your life, then write down why
So, if you don’t like that you’re strapped for money every month or that you’re constantly yelling at your kids, write down why you think those things occur (i.e.,. mindless spending, or not taking enough time for yourself).
3) admit ownership every chance you get
“I know I could lose 5 lbs, but I love chocolate, and it makes me happier than not having it.”
“I am failing in school because I’ve been choosing other things as the priority.”
“I need to stop complaining and either manage my time better or be okay with the choices I’m making.”
“I am the most generous I’ve ever been, and I have less money than I used to, but I feel good about myself.”
Just own all of it.
4) if you don’t like certain things in your life, then make a plan of action
When you start to realize that you are doing what you want, and you don’t like the results, then you can objectively say, “How can I change this?”
Owners get to take credit for the good and the bad. The more aware you are of who you are and the decisions you make, typically you’ll continue to make more decisions that are right for you.
The thing about the girl I mentioned at the beginning of this, is she said didn’t want to be with him, but she didn’t want to be alone more. She said she valued herself, but she valued the attention from him more.
If she was taking credit for her life, it would probably sound like, “I am choosing to be in toxic relationship because we have a lot of fun, and I really love drama because it exhilarates me, and even though I think I deserve better, I’m not willing to give those things up.”
A time will come where something else will be more valuable to her, and she will do something else that she wants. But that only happens by being honest about your condition.
You are already doing what you want (whether you admit it or not), so admit it, open your eyes, and take credit for your life.Published in