love breaks through

i was born because my mum wanted a baby.

So, I wasn’t an accident.

My dad was then chosen by my mothers “boyfriend”. I hope you’ll understand this.

At the time, the boyfriend of my mother didn’t want to be my father cause he wanted one day to make me his own wife. So he asked a stranger if he would sleep with my mother to make a baby.

Me.

The man said yes. This was in Greece in 1989.

I was born in February 1990 and the fact that I was born as a girl, was this crazy man’s sign that his plan was “ok”, and that ‘allah’ (that’s how he called the universal energy) is fine with it. I’m happy that he had other plans for me!

I never knew my biological ‘dad’. I never saw him. I never even knew where he lived. I think he doesn’t know that I exist. My mother was addicted to heroin before my birth. When I was two years old, I was sent to a group home, where kids live who have no parents. At around six years old, I came to my foster parents. They already had a 9-year-old adopted daughter. I never felt really loved or that I was a good enough or a nice person. I was shy at home and I felt like strangers to my family. Outside I was strong and loud and the people said I had amazing self-esteem. But inside I wasn’t.

When I was 19 years old, my mother and her partner told me about my mother’s “arrangement.” And I met them for the first time after 15 years or so. That very day, my mother’s boyfriend asked me if I want to marry him. He told me other things from my time when I lived with them, which I didn’t want to know. Like that he masturbated next to me when I was a little girl. And he told me that I liked it. I can not tell you what this makes me feel. It’s just not ok at all.

At age 16, I had my first bout with depression.

the teacher that helped me change

A really good teacher saw in my soul and asked me if I needed help. He saw the broken, sad and small child that I was inside. And not the loud rebel I tried to be on the outside. He taught me a lot of things. Like how I’m good enough or that I’m allowed to be happy. And that it is my right to be happy.

That I am a strong person who really wants to live. If this hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have made it until now. Sometimes I forget that.

At some points in life, I thought and believed it would be easier to die. To not feel the pain in my heart anymore. Sometimes I really asked myself or God how much pain a person can handle? They say God gives the hardest circumstances only to the strongest warriors. But why me? Why do I have to go through so much pain? Nobody in my life really showed me what love means. All the people who I have loved, have run out my life after some time. My childhood was horrible, my stepsister wanted to get rid of me cause he had to share ‘her parents’ with me. I really didn’t feel accepted.

I’m so grateful that I met this teacher, Mr. Hess. I mean he saved my life. (He says I saved my life by myself, and it’s also my strong spirit who brought him into my life). He and his sister opened a coaching school, two years or so ago. I took every course that they were giving. His sister is so amazing as well. They are shining from within! When I imagine what it means to be enlightened, I would say they are. And you know what they say? They say everybody is enlightened! We just forgot it.

There are a lot of things my story has already taught me, but the hardest thing I have to learn is to trust. To trust in life, to trust in God or Jesus (or both), heaven, the universe, whatever you want to call it. That no matter what happens everything is alright.

i have to trust this energy.
i have to trust life.

And right now, I’m experiencing that I can pray. And it gets easier. I have help and I can trust the process. I can trust God. God shows me love, when nobody else does. And I can teach my son love even when no human ever taught me what love really means. And Makaio, my son, shows me back what love is.

baby in the city

Published in memoirs
2 Comments
  1. Sikeea Graham 12 months ago

    So brave of you to share your story. You really must have a strong spirit to have overcome all that you have. (It’s really true that only the strongest warriors get the worst pain!) I’m glad that someone reached out to you to give you the positivity that you so needed in your life. I hope that your days are now only filled with joy.

  2. Stacia Stall 11 months ago

    @melanie-strebel your story was hard to read because I hate injustice, and I know it was even harder to live, but you’re still fighting and making your mark on the world. I’m so glad you have Makaio now, the love of a mother and child is transformative.

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