you have the power of life and death in your own mouth

We bless and curse within minutes of each other.
Use that sword wisely. No matter what others say, it still starts with you and what you say to yourself. Let no one steal your joy.

I’ve seen those around me suffer from the negative type of talking to yourself. They got locked into cycles of abuse (self-abuse with addiction(s) and putting up with abuse from others).

value yourself

There will always be someone that wants to devalue you.

Though I came from loving parents. My Dad and my Mom were 21 years apart. Both had two previous marriages before they got together. I was my Mom’s first daughter, but my Dad’s fourth. I did have a Dad that grew up with a chauvinistic attitude. He didn’t encourage me the same as he did my younger brother. Mom tried hard to encourage me, though she didn’t take her own advice. (Hmm a realization there to me as I wrote that.)

Dad had bitterness from something in his past. Most men don’t talk about their struggles much. Yet he had intelligence in many things. Two years before my Dad died, he did apologize for not treating me equally and told me that he was proud of all his children. He admitted to his many faults. I was his Princess after all.

I admit growing up I kept myself average. I didn’t want spotlights, but I didn’t want to be in the dark about anything. I didn’t keep to things I enjoyed because I thought it would cost something my parents couldn’t afford. Although I knew they would’ve tried to give me what I showed interest it to at least try something. I took clogging lessons with a friend, Dad would pay for the classes. I just bought boots that I already had to wear to practice to get the sound (not the clogging shoes). When the class asked us to buy the shoes needed, I stopped going. I didn’t think I was worth my Dad or my Mom stressing out about having to spend out more money. I took a year of music playing the flute. We rented the flute from the school, which was fairly cheap for my parents. I kept it cleaned every use, I practiced at home, and probably gave my Mom some migraines. I loved the sound that I was able to make. At the end of the year, the school sent home a form stating how much the flute was at cost if I wanted to continue. I was expected to perform in school functions and possibly have spotlights on me made me afraid. I didn’t think I’d be able to make the performances since my Dad was out of town most of the week and my Mom at the time didn’t have a car. I gave it up. Again, I didn’t want my parents stressing out about me. I assumed they were hurting for money only by the reactions of my surroundings at the time. Not that I ever came out and asked about it. I guess you can say I just kept average. I kept quiet.

I still vividly remember an instance, visiting a local theme park with my family at age 13. I look back and say ahh, the dreaded, awkward age of teenage years. We were enjoying walking from one ride to the next. We stood still watching the sidewalk painters, painting side self-portraits. My dad proudly asks my mom and me if we wanted to sit for one. We said sure. It was a quick painting that didn’t seem to last long. Mom and I were smiling and laughing.

As I wandered a little behind my mom and dad, a group of two young men and two young women came by. I believe them to be college students. One of the young men, who just happened to be attractive, comes right up to my face saying,

“You are ugly.”

Though I was hurt, my brows became furrowed, and I shouted back, “At least I have a decent personality, unlike you.” The two ladies and the other guy chuckled a little and then said, “Dude, that wasn’t right.” I didn’t tell that story to have a pity party now or play the victim, just to share the direction my mind was at during my own self-discovery. Maybe it wasn’t the best comeback. At that moment, I started to think a little more of myself than just my looks.

I was way too judgmental of myself. The remarks that ran through my head with “you are ugly” started to make me compare myself to others. I overly cared what others would see me as. I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, therefore, I felt I wasn’t lovable or good enough. Something was trying to steal my value.

I used to scratch words into my hands when listening to the negative self-talk of my “inside voice”. Since I was ugly, it didn’t matter. This is a deep seeded problem. Thank goodness, scratching didn’t take too long for me to stop. I thought I’d have scars from it, but I don’t.

I do, however, have a determined mindset even if it’s in the wrong direction. Haha. I was determined to understand, just why people could be cruel. Which I know was my first mistake. I cannot control others.

I can only control me and my actions.

There were thoughts I had, that I deserved this person treating me bad or that bad time because of some errors I’ve done. In these states of negative self-talk in any form, you are not living truly as your whole self. Hopefully, you can relate. It’s all in the “inside voice” that you speak to yourself and others.

I was pestered and in some cases bullied for having red hair, no soul, freckles, and being strange. Maybe to some, I am ugly. People just like to talk out their own asses sometimes, they won’t focus on their own shortcomings. I’ve also had good people lift me up for some of the same reasons. Good people knew I had a soul. Haha. I’ve also been told that many women would pay to have my color hair.

When it came to how I felt about myself… that was different. I knew I was different even at a young age. I learned that redheads with brown eyes are a rare genetic quality. I used to say mutant so I could feel like a part of the X-Men. Now that I’ve aged, I’m just comfortable in my own skin and satisfied with who I am.

there is always room for growth, learning, and enjoyment.

I knew that my freckles come out more in the sun. Yea, it’s what my chemical makeup does. My freckles, it plays connect the dots to appear to tan but not really. There were those that are easiest to tan, I didn’t make fun of them for it. It’s a fact that redheads process and generate Vitamin D redheads don’t need as much as others.

For me, strange and weird is a gratifying compliment. I thank you! Haha, can’t put me in a box marked normal. I’m the biggest promoter of being your soulful self, whether you are a redhead or not.

Hmm, maybe it is some masterful plan of mine to get everyone to fill up their souls, so, I can have them. Ha ha ha (evil laugh).

What would I really do with all those? I’ve struggled enough with finding my own inner bleace (aka bliss + peace), to control everyone else. Although you’d be perfectly safe with me, I’d give you much love that your bleace would be infinitely stronger.

I’m one of the nicest redheads I know. I learned to laugh instead of taking it all as serious business. I’ll turn a negative comment or a complaint into something else totally more positive.


differences are a beautiful thing.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My Beholder loves me and has my name written on the palm of his hand. Through my own transformation, meditation, and seeing clearly, I realized that comparing yourself to another is sending the message out that you are not enough. You are sending the signal to the universe/God to, “suck it”.

 Just be freaking you! Your inner dialogue must change if you are constantly belittling yourself. Especially, if it’s over someone else’s view of you.

I know people that think I’m gorgeous and beautiful, even without makeup. They aren’t lying when they say it from their heart of hearts. Energy does change within you. Patience! It’s a process.

This subject: bullied, teased, harassed, and tormented for your differences are not handled with proper attention these days. No, I do not agree with bullying at all. This goes beyond highly critical people. This is a big destroyer of “bleace”. I will make a stand against it. We need to help those that cannot stand up for themselves. We need to teach them how not to let opinions, insults, even the written ones destroy who you are. If you know your child, is overly critical of someone, be a decent human being and talk to them about it. Tell them about how these kinds of behaviors should not be rewarded or tolerated. Get them help from a counselor or something. Talk to them before you get sued for your child’s demeanor.

I’ve had rocks thrown at me and my hair pulled. I’ve been cornered. Even ridiculed for being plain or telling me my dreams are stupid. I’ve been in fights, but not hurt. Thank goodness for karate, it scared them off a little. The karate stances alone create a sense of confidence that scares bullies. I’ve been tormented by words of others telling me who they thought I was.

There were times I felt as if I was guided over the edge of the cliffs, with all fear and trembling. Like in a dream, a wind would knock me to where I would be hanging off the edge grasping with all my hand strength I could. My legs would be dangling trying to grab hold of something but no rock to get a foothold in. The only way to know yourself is to let go of the said cliffs in your life and trust things will fall into place. I let go! With no jolt of falling hard. There was indeed something that held me strong. Not everything is a bottomless pit below you.

We can feel a little doubtful, afraid, and fearful during these moments. Some hell’s we create for ourselves. It can seem to us at the time an awfully long journey to attempt to go back through utter-gloom, but sometimes, in fact, it is not utter gloom. I’m encouraging you to keep going, in spite of the tears that may come. Your tears will turn around to a smile again. I grew to understand human behaviors a little more once I understood where I was coming from.

people will try to oppress you, it’s the division of humanity

You may think that it’s meaningless, or what’s the use. The use is that you do not have to let oppression win. I know others have seen and experienced far worse and made it even further than me. Not that it’s a race. We are all equally human with talents and wisdom we can all share. I’m no more important than them, I’m certainly not less important than them either. Took a long time for me to understand that. I do believe I was left unharmed and protected based on my faith-filled position. I’m choosing to turn this kind of mess into a message of hope that better days can exist.

I learned to stick up for myself. Not with objects like guns and knives, as easily used today. I didn’t sue people for slanderous words. I didn’t resort to hurt myself because someone didn’t like me. Instead of suicide, my hope is that people know themselves enough to accept themselves. Stick around to show the bully just how you are blessed. Do not hide! Step out! When you do, you will get support from somewhere.

What others may have an opinion about, is not really your issue.

Release the people in your life that do not raise you up. No one owns you except you.

Therefore someone else’s thoughts are just theirs. Even if they choose to share their thoughts with you, it doesn’t always make it a true statement. It is just another perspective in the seas of plenty. Forget about them that try to oppress you for spreading love, light, and “bleace.”

Published in memoirs

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