I have felt pain. The very worst kinds of pain, such as heartbreak or loss. I have had all of the love I knew erased and taken away. I’ve been so desperate for the pain to stop that I created my own.
I’ve seen happiness. I’ve laughed with my best friends and had lots of good times. Smiling for pictures and making silly faces.
The beautiful moments where we sit in the freezing cold seats to watch our friends play football.
All of the times we join together to support one another.
I’ve seen moments of weakness. Whether it was mine or anothers. We’ve talked and held each other and above all, just understood.
I’ve been through anger. We don’t want to be around one another. We scream and demand our space.
I’ve asked for them to never speak to me again. I’ve tried to erase what I knew of them.
I have seen love. I have loved, and I have been loved.
I have been through loss and sorrow.
Anger has washed over me and taken ahold of the best people.
But through it all, what hurts the most. What really brings about an overwhelming pain…
Not feeling anything. Not wanting to associate or be a part of anything. Laying around waiting for it to wash away from you.
It’s the absolute worst.
It swallows you whole and allows you no space to breathe. No release.
Crying lets out sadness. Sometimes even happiness. Whatever you are full of, it just seems to escape in little tears. Relieving you of the emotion that filled you.
Smiling shows your happiness. And a little giggle let’s off the nervousness you feel on a date.
Laughing historically with your best friend allows you to free yourself and enjoy the moment of total joy.
Yelling back and forth frees you of the repressed anger that bubbles inside you.
Throwing things and breaking precious memories let’s out all of the rage.
Every emotion has an outlet.
But that’s what makes emptiness so terrible.
You don’t have any of these emotions.
You cannot find any outlet.
You push for tears, for screams, for anything to release the pressure in your head.
But nothing seems to work.
You want nothing more than to just cry. To cry it all out.
Because although you don’t necessarily feel anything, you know you are hurting. And you want to let it out so badly.
But what do you get from that empty feeling?
How do you tell someone about that?
Do you say, “hey I need to talk”
Oh what are you thinking about?
But that’s it. It sounds so silly spoken out loud.
That something as little as literally nothing is driving you to insanity.
Out of all the things I have felt, to feel empty is the worst of them all.Published in