is it me?

I remember growing up as a kid thinking there was something wrong with me. Trying to figure out what I did wrong. You see to me my “normal” family was split between two people. It was a household full of yelling and phone calls with derogatory words and me in the middle. There were no sit down family dinners, no family memories shared. Holidays were spent in two places and I often wondered what it would be like to have a normal family. All my friends had normal families why didn’t I? Two parents that loved them instead of one. Would I ever have that?

I often opted for having dinners at a friends house instead of my own. I pulled away and departed myself from my family and clung to friends of mine and their families. Where everyone laughed together, talked together and enjoyed being around each other. I loved it. Of course, no family is perfect and every family has their issues.

To me, family, it was a mother working full time to make ends meet, a father refusing and fighting about contributing at all. There was no co-parenting or civilness, it was what it was. I made it through with years of therapy and many mistakes and life lessons learned and many to come. I pushed through the pain and never used it as an excuse for my behavior or current life state. I didn’t let it turn me into a statistic, instead, I let it enlighten me. I used it to heighten my awareness when it came to people and men in general. I was actually grateful for it in a way.

Although there were many events to come that I knew would be hurdles for me.

it wasn’t in the cards

The thought of father-daughter anything made me instantly tear up and feel nauseous. I envied my friends who had fathers in their lives and were close to them. It’s something I always wanted but wasn’t in the cards I was dealt. I was ok with that but it still didn’t fill that void I felt, the part of me that is always missing. My wedding day was particularly hard. I remember the day I got engaged one of the first things in my head was ” who’s going to give me away?” Who will I dance with? How will I get through it without bawling like a baby the entire time?

Questions, questions and more question, all without answers.

You see I realized, the questions come and go and some never get answered. Nothing will ever fill that void. Nothing will ever give me a father, nothing will replace those childhood horror memories with loving ones. It’s a daily struggle but I find peace in my strength. I find peace in watching my daughter with my husband and their beautiful relationship. I find peace in my husband and his never-ending love and patience for me and all of my scars.

There was so much pain and suffering, and so much hurt that still stays with me today, and always will.

do it for the kids

If I could give any advice to co-parents or anyone going through a divorce with children don’t make it about you, make it about them! Talk to them, explain what’s going on, reassure them that it’s not about them. Don’t let the hatred toward your ex, affect the way you love and treat your kids. Don’t use your kids as leverage.

Men stay in your kid’s lives, don’t disappear, it affects them for the rest of their lives. They will struggle with every relationship they have and all stemming from the relationship they had with you. Don’t ever talk bad about your ex to/or in front of your kids. Don’t put your views or feelings into your kid’s heads.

Kids are so perceptive, they see and hear everything, they know more than you think they do! Let them make them own opinions. I never saw my mother struggle, I never saw her cry until I was adult. I never heard her blame anyone for her situation. I never heard her blame us. She always figured out a way, she always made it happen. Anytime we needed anything she was there, she was real and honest. She was stable and secure. She answered questions when asked and gave honest answers. I never knew all that she going through while raising us until I was an adult. That’s how it should be.

When you hurt; your kids hurt.
When you’re happy; your kids are happy.
They feed off of your energy.
So stay positive, and just love them.

In the end, all they need is love!

Published in featured, memoirs
1 Comment
  1. TK Dennis 11 months ago

    I didn’t get a chance to comment on this yet, but I did read this when it went up.

    Your post is such a cool heartfelt message for people out there. We’re all so fortunate you’re a part of the community here.

    Keep being awesome Court!

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