head spinning

Dear anxiety,

You suck. You keep me awake at night, you make me cry 😢 and you zap the energy from me. You are a cruel beast telling me life is coming tumbling down, being negative. However I’m pushing my own boundaries of reflecting my thoughts with an open audience. I’m getting out of my comfort zone, I’m being vulnerable and it’s damn good.

So, dear anxiety, while I find you hard and desperately difficult to deal with, you are pushing me to move in a different direction. To be open about me, the real spiritual me. Slowly lay myself bare, naked. This for me is a big step. However you need to shut down, let my brain rest and relax anxiety. Let me regroup.

You make my mind spin round catastrophising everything. Telling me I will end up with no friends, or if I see friends they won’t understand what’s going on. They’ll run a mile or they will tell me their issues which has happened. I can’t deal with that right now. Most of all my mind keeps exhausting me, it’s too exhausting because I want to sleep. I wish I didn’t think anymore. The anxiety is a male voice- my dad. Telling me I’m wrong, I’m weak. I argue but you’re not a mind reader, where’s your evidence that I’m weak or people don’t care? I’d say to a friend that why do you think this will happen- I don’t have any evidence it will. That I will lose my friends or everything.

I went out today, I didn’t really want to, but I did. It was hard, but I did it. Last week I could go out with Elle, I did it.

What I do have is a supportive family and a loving son. My friends will reach out and so far have. I’m ok with the distance

Catasprohising now and blowing things out of proportion- not sleeping is making it very very hard for me know. Feeling sick due to it and exhausted after yesterday’s meeting which I think took it out of me really.

Published in memoirs
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