beautifully you

Ever since I was little I knew I was different. I would have friends who had nowhere to go after school come over for dinner. I befriended the outcasts even if it got me rejected by my friends. I wanted to show everyone love. I was out to be everyone’s friend and make them feel included and special.

That part of me I knew and understood. When I was about 15, things sort of changed. I was still that same loving person, but I also started developing “feelings” I didn’t fully understand but knew I wasn’t “allowed” to have.

Growing up in a dominantly religious community, I learned a lot of amazing things that shaped me to be who I am today, one thing I didn’t learn, however, was how to approach same-sex feelings. I was taught it was wrong and not God’s will. So, I pushed away and buried those feelings for quite some time.

About 10 years later, I met someone who showed me I could be my very own game changer. I had recently ended my engagement, for a number of reasons, this topic not being one and had at this time begun dating both male and females. However, I was so ashamed of the fact I liked women. I hid it from everyone. Well, one evening I was hanging out with that person who told me I could be my own gamer changer, and they told me with the most kind and stern words, “you have to face this Jess to know who you are and be secure with yourself.” This person knew I wanted to explore this part of me, I just needed a tiny push. I took that sentence to heart and I became my very own game changer.

I began dating women more openly, taking them out and not being embarrassed. I began, slowly telling friends. And eventually my family. Most people have been supportive but still at times, confused. Especially because I do still have feelings for men. Most of those whom I told, have continued to be supportive.

Most.

I lost one friend, in particular, because of my choice and because in their opinion I had not “been honest about who I am”. That was painful and hurtful but her reaction and others questions taught me some life lessons.

Lessons that I learned:

That I want to turn into advice for anyone who is not out in the open or still quiet about their sexuality.

  • I have learned that especially if you’re not hurting anyone or anything by your choices, the only person you have to be open and honest to about yourself is YOU!
  • Second, if you are not sure if you like men or women or maybe you think, you like both, NO ONE is making you sign a sexuality contract. You are not locked into one gender to be attracted to. Like, love whoever you want. Be true to yourself, never, ever let someone tell you how you should channel your feelings.
  • Finally, know this you, whoever is reading this should know that you can be your own game changer. Make your own rules live a life that is your own.

You only get one.

Published in memoirs
3 Comments
  1. someone who cares 9 months ago

    I don’t agree with your statement that “…the only person you have to be open and honest to about yourself is YOU!” I think honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.

    • Author
      Jessica Lang 9 months ago

      So true! I just believe before you can be honest with others you need to be honest with yourself 💜💜

    • yellak 9 months ago

      It’s true that honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship but I think what she meant was that it’s not EVERYONE’S business what you’re doing if you’re hurting no one. Obviously, in close relationships it’s important to be honest but it’s not necessary to broadcast to every person intimate details.

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